"Unless I see the holes that the nails made in his hands and can put my finger into the holes they made, and unless I can put my hand into his side, I refuse to believe." (John 20:25)
Our lectionary’s translation of this verse from the Gospel of the second Sunday of Easter removes an ambiguity. The literal meaning of St Thomas final words is not "I refuse to believe" but "I will not believe".
It could be that he was defiant at this moment, as the lectionary suggests, but he could also have been despairing.
Perhaps he wanted to believe but realised that in his weakness he needed a clear sign, otherwise it would not be enough to heal his traumatised faith.
We could even translate this nuance as "I will not be able to believe", an admission of weakness, rather than "I refuse to believe", a declaration of defiance.
Jesus fulfils, detail by detail, all the conditions Thomas had asked for and this moves him to faith.
The text never says that he actually made physical contact with Jesus, but the fact that Jesus had been listening to him, in his moments of defiance or despair, touched him profoundly.
Jesus listens to each one of us in our defiance or despair and he will come to find us at the right moment, as long as we remain part of our Christian community.
Thomas could easily have abandoned his fellow disciples in those eight days while they rejoiced and he did not.
But something kept him with them, and this simple loyalty was enough to let Jesus find him.<br><br><em>Photo: Caravaggio's 'Doubting Thomas'.</em>
